Saturday, November 14, 2009


When at first the seeds of hope
are planted deep and firm
most of us are quick to judge
we expect too much and don't learn

God asks us all to love one another
because love is patient and kind
so I guess when God gives us hope and love
we have to be patient with our state of mind

Eleven months have already past
and I am just learning now
to actually be patient and know
we'll all be okay somehow

So when at first the seeds of hope
are planted deep and firm
be patient as you learn to grow
and grow while you patiently learn

blahhhhh it sucks. :( i don't even believe any of it anymore. theres no reason for all of this suffering. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on....

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


"Darling grab a hand
We won't let you go
Darling grab a hand
We promise not to let you stand alone"

iwsbtsy. iwictaypa. timmty. ipiwlysa. tmhawcwtw.

Monday, August 24, 2009

"Some people have one of those days ... I have one of those lives."

Have you ever felt like everyone in the room hated you, or was thinking you were a freak? That's how i felt today at orientation. BLAH It. was just overall a bad morning. I hate having to go to a school with people I can't even stand. Plus, the first day of school I only have 4 open mods, and I barely have any classes with my friends. UGH, I just feel like screaming! i HATE this feeling! I just feel like I'm a burden, like I just tag along... I thought it was gonna be a good day because I was gonna see 3 people I haven't seen in awhile, and that part was fine, but the rest of it sucked ass. I'm sorry for everyone reading this because you should have to have all my problems on your mind too, I just needed to let all of it out.
a;ljlkfsdajkfd;ja; :/

ijctfaaiwtfwaiwtfiabbfwsiwtfliwtbhaaiwmftbhiwtntbwbmahaictfofbipwjnsaasalidefml. :/

p.s. this isnt about C.C. or K.S. FYI. :)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

"Our past is not our potential."

Over the past few months my relationship with God has grown tremendously. I am ashamed to say that during 9th grade and while I first started struggling with SI I considered myself an atheist. I wanted nothing to do with God or any religion for that matter. But in April, I went to see Craig Scott, a speaker for Rachel's Challenge, present at RCTC. I don't know how but the things he said that day changed my life drastically. The thing that hit me the most and when I started to break down, was when he asked everyone to close their eyes. Then he said "Raise your hand if you need to forgive someone for things they have done to you." I rose my hand. Then Craig said " Raise you hand if you need to ask forgiveness for things you have done to someone else." I again rose my hand. Then this next statement is what got to me the most. "Raise your hand if you need to forgive YOURSELF for things others have done to you or things you have done to others." My hand slowly went up. That day Craig also talked about how God has a plan for all of us, and that God loves you and does things for a reason. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here but I know that the things Craig Scott said that day changed my belief in God.

I know that my closest friends have been going through a really tough time lately. They are the strongest people I have ever known and they deserve happiness more than anyone can imagine. I wish I knew a way to help them. They have helped me so much even when they were hurting more than I was, and I wish I could do that for them. I promise that someday, in someway, I will repay them.

My friends don't know this but I pray for them every night. I'm worried about them and I ask God to guide them and bring them happiness, and I thank God for blessing me with such amazingly caring and loving friends.

i love you guys so much.

XOXO with hope,

"It is by chance we met, by choice we became friends."

"There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are the people who put it back in."

"See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around."

Sunday, August 16, 2009

"Welcome to the fallout. Welcome to resistance. The tension is here, Between who you are and who you could be. Between how it is and how it should be"

Last night was the hardest night in awhile. I almost did something really stupid. I don't even want to talk about it.

"I guess I'm just a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch."

When I think everything is going right. BAM! everything just goes back to darkness, and I'm sick of it. I just want out of this sucky life. I just want to be a normal happy teenager. Does that sound messed up or what?! "normal happy teenager." As far as I know that doesn't exist.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

1 week

Yesterday it was 1 week since the last time know....I'm not even going to say it. Its been a VERY hard first week, there were a lot of times when I just wanted to do it so I could feel again. Does that make sense? I would see my scars or someone else's and just think...that's what will help. Even though I wanted to give in... I didn't, and honestly, I feel GREAT! I feel like I accomplished something. For now, I'm taking on this battle one day at a time, some days its one hour at a time, but I'm gonna make it out alive and I'm going to be a better person because of all that has transpired this year.

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."

Thank you to Veronica, Cat, Katie and Molly for helping me though this week. Even if you didn't speak to me much, I know that each one of you cares about me and I don't need words to realise that anymore. You are my best and basically only friends and I love you all.

"Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


I have recently seen who I am and how I act, and I can honestly say without a doubt now - I hate myself - in my acts of stupidity I have hurt the people I love most. I need to find someway to get it through my head that my new friends are NOTHING like my old 'friends'. They wont hurt me like others have in the past. My head is so screwed up that I don't know how to handle friendships. I'm sorry if I have hurt you in any way, shape or form. I think if I were in the Wizard of Oz... I would be the tin man wanting a heart.

I love you guys so much for staying by me even when I am the worst friend in the world.

I am so so so so so sorry.

"One may think we’re alright
But we need pills to sleep at night
We need lies to make it through the day
We’re not okay"

Saturday, August 8, 2009

whats on my mind tonight????

I just wanted to let everyone reading this know ----- I used my blade for the last time on Friday, I threw it away. I'm done living a life of pain and in the future I don't want to let my scars define me. I don't want to have to explain to my kids or my nieces and nephews what the marks on my arms are from. So I just thought I would say that, and if I go against my promise not to do it, I give you all permission to hate me forever. Love and Hope are the only things that will overcome Fear and Pain and I truly believe that joy WILL come. ::)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

stuff from my journalllllll

two of my favorite quotes from One Tree Hill are:

"You were wrong yesterday when you said the kids in the clubs were just looking for decadence. I think it's more like romance and hope and inspiration and that feeling you get when other human beings pick up basic instruments and make sense of your world. And the day I think it's just about making money is gonna be the day that I betray everything that I believe in. About music and life and myself."

(somebody just told Peyton that Rock 'n' Roll cant save the world)

"See, I disagree. Walk into any club on the strip tonight and just look at the kids, look into their eyes. I mean, they're all looking for something to believe in and I think that music can be the thing that changes their world"

Those two quotes explain what I believe exactly.

and then this is a poem that I wrote like last month. I called it Word Vomit from Last Month :) and its horrible.

Sleepwalking in the night
Mumbling something about another fight
I cant take it anymore I say
Lord God please help me make it through the day

When constant ridicule comes around
Sister steel is to be found
She stays with me until the very end
Gives me relief and a temporary friend

People tell me I'm not alone
I cant believe all the love that is shone
They give me hope to survive everyday
Because I know there is no other way